It is pouring outside. There is nothing in this world like the sound of rain. It's beautiful. I cannot fall asleep. I have way too much on my mind to sleep. Tell me I'm not the only one who has those times when there is so much on your mind that you don't even know where to begin to start expressing those thoughts.
That is where I'm at right now. At 2:12am.
Before I go a step further, I want to clarify that this blog is a place for me to be real. This is not me sugar coating my life or coming up with something fancy to say to try and impress. I refuse to be one of those cocky people that no one wants to be around who says "this is me, if you don't like it, then step off", that is not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that this is the real Adam, I guess you could say, the 'new' Adam. I mean I'm still the same ridiculous guy, but the God that I serve has been radically changing my thinking and this is my spot to document that change, and to grow in Him, and to hopefully be able to encourage anyone who needs encouragement. This is me being real.
Jesus has been testing me like crazy lately, at least I think He has. I'm not a big fan of when people try and chart God and say that they just 'know' that God is testing them. I completely believe that God has placed the Holy Spirit inside of me to discern right from wrong, and to do amazing things through me. But I also believe that as a flawed human being, I, like anyone else, can be deceived and subconsciously stir up feelings within myself and call them 'from God' if I so choose. And if the Lord intended me to move on every feeling that I had within myself, then what would be the point of faith? That is why I feel it is so important to turn to like-minded believers and ultimately to God's perfect Word for the answers. I cannot move entirely off feelings, and if I did I'd probably be getting myself into a lot of trouble.
Anyway, back to my original thought. Testing. The Bible is clear in multiple verses that the Lord tests us to refine our faith (James 1:3-4). And even commands that we evaluate ourselves and our faith on a regular basis (can't remember the exact passage but I just read it recently!). Well, I really feel like God has been testing me a lot lately. I don't feel like it's super necessary to go into details, but the amazing thing about God is that even though it hurts me inside, and makes me want to break down and cry at times, it has brought me to the point of placing my trust completely in Him. And there is no other feeling like that. I wish you all could feel it, and I'm sure some of you have. It's nothing supernatural, it's just coming that point of realization and complete surrender in knowing that Jesus is in absolute control of the situation, of every situation. That used to bother me. I used to be upset that I had no control over my life, that there was no use in making any plans because 1.) God determines my steps (Proverbs 16:9) and 2.) I could die tomorrow (James 4:13-14). But once I reached my so-called "rock-bottom" and was reminded by Jesus that the 70 years I'm on this earth is not about me, and that "everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory" (Romans 11 36), it no longer bothered me. In fact, it was actually a relief to know that I am not in control, that I can go to Him for rest when I am weak and cast those burdens on Him. That I'm here for 2 reasons, to love Jesus and to love people. To love.
That idea of love is a touchy subject, a very opinionated subject. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a very opinionated individual. That is why I am throwing my opinions in the garbage and relying on God's word for the true definition of love. I have loved one girl in my 21 years and 11 months on this earth. One girl. She is an amazing girl with an incredible heart, regardless of what she wants to make me think. There is no reason to pen her name, she knows exactly who she is. No, this is not an open session for me to ramble about relationships, or the past, or to gossip or change topic. I promise it will tie in to my original thought/thoughts. I loved this girl, I still love this girl, and at times I wish I didn't. It would make things so much easier. We didn't always get along, we were both very opinionated, we were both very alike. Way more alike than either of us care to admit. We didn't always honor the Lord. We were consumed with what we wanted, with our plans, so much so that it got to the point where we didn't even enjoy what the Lord had given us, each other. We were so consumed with ourselves, when from the beginning all we ever wanted was to be consumed in no one but Jesus.
I say all of this because of where I stand now, at this point in my life. The girl that I care about more than anything in the world is no longer a part of my life. All because I lost sight of the reason I am here. I worshiped the creation instead of the Creator(Romans 1:25). I was proud. I bought into the lie that I was strong enough to run a God-centered relationship rather than focus on His word and let God center the relationship Himself, and there is not a day that goes by where I don't regret it. Not only because of the current outcome, but because I've lost one of my best friends, and most importantly I dragged the amazing name of Jesus through the dirt.
Again, I'm not writing all of this to sound preachy. So many times in my life I feel like I could echo Paul and state that I am the worst sinner of them all. Sometimes I feel that way. But I'm just a guy who doesn't want anyone else to make the same mistake that I did. The Lord has convicted me with one verse over the past month and a half. "If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall."- 1 Corinthians 10:12. For awhile I thought I was strong, I thought I was strong enough in my faith to carry out my intentions, our intentions. Now I see that intentions mean absolute crap if they are not rooted in God's holy word. If you rely on your own power you will fail. You may feel like you have things under control for awhile, but sooner or later you will fail and have one of two choices. Either submit to the holy God who gave you breath, or reject Him. I chose to again follow Him, and it is the best decision I've ever made. It is so painful at times, but I believe with everything in me that "His power works best in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Please just submit to Him, you will not regret it. Make your life about Him, let Him fill your life.
As for me, I'm determined to make my life about loving. Not the world's definition of love. But genuine, agape, unconditional love. It is a huge goal, and one that I most definitely cannot do without Christ's doing, but I know and believe that as I pursue it, Jesus will give me everything that I need. Seek Jesus, He is so worth it.
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